I AM Beautiful!

Lately I have not been posting anything up... Things have been pretty rough. I fell ill, got 4 days worth of MC, it was a very terrible time. After that, I was so very busy at work. My Project manager is going to reservist in the army. And I had to take over half of his job, I'm not complaining cos I see it as an honour. But work load was very heavy. One major website to finish before clients come down from the States, taking care of 3 of the project manager's email blasts, Clients of my previous proposed designs came back liking my ideas and I have just as tight a deadline as the website. On top of that, the best designer is going to leave the company and I am the only one who can helpl the Creative Director in print... Oh boy...So I was pretty busy and stressed.

Out of all that business and burdens, there're many times I don't feel up to the job. I lack especially in skills in actionscripting in flash. And that brings another headache later. At home, my dad, one thing about him, you can do right or wrong, he's gonna nag and criticize you and never was I really encouraged by him. I feel like a failure, why am I on earth. Not to say the love of my life undergoes her set o spiritual attacks, where the evil one kept telling her she and I are not for each other, or I'm suited for someone else or she is not good enough (WHAT LIES!!!). I adore her from the day God brought us both together. So things have not been easy.

What I wanna share about is what happened just now. I woke around 10am, still sleepy so I went back to sleep, but during that whole time, I heard my dad rattling on and on to my bro and I tell you, it was so very stressful to hear it. I slept late last night so I wanted to give myself more rest this morning, but dad came in and grumbled and criticized again. I was frustrated but since tired, I paid little attention to it.

Finally woke at 12.30pm. Feeling very down. Felt like everything I did or said are wrong. Very frustrated. But I stayed in bed to talk to Jesus. At that very moment, I felt Him come over and put His hands under my body (it was huge and seemed to take the place of my bed). He just said, I told you many times and I'll tell you again. I love you. No matter what. I cried. I saw my life as consistent in failure. Never felt much parental love, only criticisms. Felt really worthless. But God kept whispering to me, to Him, what He saw was my heart. My heart that cared for others. Who cared for the broken-hearted. Who put in lots of effort to try love the most tough to love people. And He wanted me to rest in Him. Peace came over me as I wept.

I was like a little child. He told me I am beautiful to Him. That there aren't many on earth who really yearned for Him and He loves that I do love Him. I can't stop crying, for I never knew what I had in my heart or intentions was ever known. People only want results, and even if I did something with the best of intentions but with bad results, I get snuffed off. But here is a God who sees all and knows all. And He came down to little insignificant me. And assured me of His attention and love. The God of all time, all creation, all universe and heavens, assured me of His love. It was a really emotionally wondeful time with Him.

He next dealt with my physical looks. No He didn't alter it, He changed my perspective. In my teen years, I didn't like fat. To me, it comes with stink and slowness. (Ironically, my most faithful and close friend from there is very fat). Well, I am a bit fat now, and people have been poking fun at it. It does affect me though I don't show it to them. God dealt with that. He told me doesn't matter what I look like, I am loved and I am still beautiful. At that I did what I used to do when in primary school. I looked at my hands and appreciated every little skin fold on it. every tiny trand of hair. God HAS made me beautiful and wonderful.

He then taught me. In scriptures, it says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Selah. (Think about it.) Knitted in our mothers' womb, in the secret place where no one can see til we're born. Let's break it up a little bit:

1. Fearfully made: I have a hobby of assembling robotic models. Gundam, Zoids, aeroplanes and a Helicopter, even dinosaur. Each of them have their own tiny parts. Some so small, I need a tweezer to hold them as my fingers are too big even if I used my nails. These parts break easily if I am not careful. There was once, I was assembling an F-16 Fighting Falcon plane. I had to use the tip of a toothpick to apply glue to its parts under a magnifying glass. I was so very careful, fearful of a sudden small slight jerk of the hand can put the glue in the wrong place. That's fearful. An expression of very minute detail that you don't want to miss. Wanting the creation to be perfect. That is how much God loves us. To the very last atom in our cells is very carefully made and constructed together to form who we are today.

2. Knitted: I find it is like pulling all the different parts of us together. Only God knows how many atoms and molecules is required for a cell, how many cells form up one part or organ, and how all is perfectly put in place. And not to say how life was put in us.

So we see here how precious we actually are. How God loves us so much to bother about the minor little details. And He'll do over and over again for love for us. Spend time with Him and ask Him to reveal to you today. How He can ever call you beautiful, think of it this way. You're not made in China or Singapore or whatever country. You're not massed produced in your mother's womb, you're professionally hand crafted by the Master Crafter of Everything. God. Therefore, WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

Lord, please reveal to all their beauty, inner and outer. Blow away the spirit of low self-esteem. Help us to appreciate and accept ourselves and looks. And to know we are wonderful. And all around us is beautiful. Hand crafted by God. Amen.