Understanding Women

What I am going to mention in here is a summary of what I read in a book by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhan called 'For men only'. Guys, if you got trouble understanding your loved female friends or wives or whoever matters to you, go get a copy. It is not expensive and super worth it.

It was only last night I was having yet another issue with Jane, the true love of my life... But having read what was mentioned on a summary paper just behind the front cover made a big difference and brought an entire new perspective in for me. And when I saw it in what was mentioned and acted accordingly in response, the effect was amazing, a record breaking reconciliation in at most an hour from a "many weeks long built up problem" that blew. Best part is, I now know what I can do to help her feel better too. (I'll only put in the summary cos that's the part that helped and it won't be fair to the couple who wrote this as they put in tonnes of effort, surveying hundreds to thousands of women around etc etc. So let's be fair, I encourage you to buy their book.) Feel free to feedback if you find this so so true... hmmm... maybe by tagging me or something.. ha ha..

So here's what's on the summary (called the quick start guide):

1) Why does she...
- Ask, "Do you love me?" even though you just said "I love you" this morning?
- Take your need for space as a signal that you're upset with her and are trying to get away from her?
- Want to talk about your relationship... Mostly at those times you least want to?

Answer:
- Women have an underlying insecurity about whether their man really loves them.
- When that latent insecurity is triggered, they are often preoccupied with getting the relationship back on track.

What to do:
- Reassure her that you love her.
- If you need space, say something that will ease her mind, like, "I need space now, but I want you to know that we're okay."



2) Why does she...
- Out of nowhere, bring up something that happened 2 years ago?
- Seem so obsessed about something better left alone?
- Get an idea in her head and fixate on it, even if you've already explained why it's no big deal?

Answer:
- Women have involuntary emotional "pop-ups" that rise up from the present or the past.
- Women often can't "compartmentalize" and just decide not to think about something that is bothering them.
(By compartmentalize, we mean organize it into sections where they will deal with it later since it is related to something else. eg: if the tap at home is leaking, they have to get something done about it even when they are at work and cannot be present at home to see to it. They can't just put it aside to wait til they get home.)

What to do:
- Don't say, "Just don't think about it." That may be physically and mentally impossible for most women. (God made them this way)
- Help her "close those windows" by encouraging her to take whatever action is necessary to resolve her concern.


3) Why does she...
- Accuse you of "not caring about her" when you're working long hours to provide security for her and the kids?
- Say she wants you around more, but also seems to want the nice things that can only come if you have a higher-paying job?
- Say she doesn't feel close to you, when you 2 are married, in the same house, and sharing the same bed? (For unmarried, been together for years, sharing your lives through thick and thin?)

Answer:
- For a woman, "emotional security" and closeness are far more important than financial security.
- For a woman, security means you will always be there for her and closeness means you are best friends.

What to do:
- Realize that if she says she wants you around more, she's probably willing to downsize your lifestyle if it is necessary to make that happen.
- Since it's the little things that build a sense of closeness, one example is to leave her a 30 seconds voice mail during the day just telling her how much you love her.
- Realize you don't have to stay in a job you dislike; your wife or girlfriend prefers you to be happy.


4) Why does she...
- Say she doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen? And what does that mean anyway?
- Say "You're not listening!" when you've already been listening to her for half an hour?

Answer:
- When she is sharing an emotional problem (as opposed to, say, "The car has a flat tire"), what she is feeling about the problem is actually more important to her than the problem itself.
- What she is feeling is actually the "real problem". Therefore, listening to her feelings solves the problem.

What to do:
- Instead of filtering out her emotions to focus on the problem, learn to filter out the problem in order to focus on her feelings.
- Only after you have acknowledged her feelings will she then want to focus on a solution.


5) Why does she...
- Rarely initiate sex?
- Say she enjoys it, but never seems to really want to start it?
- Say "Not tonight, honey," but still claim she finds you irresistable?
- Say she doesn't feel "close enough" for sex - when sex would bring you closer?

Answer:
- Most women (not all) are physically wired to crave sex less than men do. But they do enjoy it just as much.
- When most women avoid their husband's advances, it has nothing to do with his desirability - it has to do with the woman's physical differences, need for closeness in the relationship outside the bedroom, and need for "anticipation" time

What to do:
- Give her either "warm up" time, or time to flirt and anticipate.
- Pursue her so she knows she's sexy to you outside the bedroom.
- Create a context of closeness and emotional security outside the bedroom.


6) Why does she...
- Ask, "Do these pants make me look fat?"
- Ask, "How do I look?" then make you think you did something wrong when you tell her that she looks just fine?
- Get upset just because you noticed that scantily-clad woman walking past - even though no man who still has a pulse could have done otherwise?

Answer:
- A woman has a deep need to know that her husband or boyfriend finds her beautiful.
- When she asks you how she looks, she is not asking whether she's presentable for the party. She wants to
know that she still rocks your world.
- In this culture, where women subconsciously compare themselves with the scantily-clad women in the mall and on television, your wife or girlfriend looks to you for cues about whether she measures up in your eyes.

What to do:
- This one is a simple action with big impact: Tell her she's beautiful. Regularly.
- Make sure your visual choices tell her that she's the only woman for you.


Wow.. That's a lot.. But do take the effort guys, I tell you, it is always going to be worth the effort. I got the "for women only" for Jane, hope she'd read it and understand about guys too.. ha ha.. Perhaps i ought to borrow it back to see what they say and share it for you girls to benefit too. Let's see how that goes.